I listened to her again this morning and her voice was more honest than her words. She was angry at him again. Something about a new girl on his Facebook page. (How so of this century, ja?)
There was more of a missing than a hating in her voice. I think she hated that she missed him so she thinks it is hate – because the hate volume was louder in this mix. I tell her I cannot help her but I can listen. She says “Write me something, I need to read it.” So I said okay. And here it is:
What can I say to you when you are merely being remarkably human? I know he isn’t even as sterling as the usual “men-you-leave-him-fors” nor is he even someone you’d date if you weren’t married. But here you are, aren’t you? (I can see you nod.) Since you asked me to write you, ergo this is hardly unsolicited – then I need to tell you this.
Acknowledge what you feel and then check out the price tag. Home, husband, kids? Ang taas ba ng presyo? I know what you’re saying in your head right now, “…but my sanity!” (Tama? Umo-o ka lang…) There are ways to see this.
1) Could he be JUST the image of a freedom you imagine you OUGHT to have now and not really him? Could you be just drawn to the idea of (this imagined, unfettered) free-ness that you miss or deem you never had because you “married right after school let out?” If that’s the case, then drop him first and focus on the concept of freedom. (Take your time here.) Ask yourself, when am I most free? When do I feel most free? Is it when you are reckless? (I know that YOU KNOW that the answer to that is no.) So carry on.
2) Could it be just about sex? Not necessarily with him, but your sexual season in general. You are not shaking your head here, I know because you never had fetters when it came to this topic. I can only quote Julia Fordham, “…even try to crack the art of being your own lover.” (Coincidentally, that’s from a song called “Girlfriend.” *wink*) I digress, I digress. Where was I?
3) Acknowledge the attraction and walk away. Slowly, if you have to. Parang magandang shoes lang yan na overpriced. You can look at it, fit it even (ah hah, definition to be discussed) but you say, “It’s lovely, it looks good on me, but it’s overpriced.” Then walk away, Wistfully, sige, I’ll give you that. Tumele-serye arte ka na dyan kung kailangan mo yon para hindi ka naman super timpi to death na sasabog ka when you see him next.
4) Think ‘pressure cooker” let off steam every now and then, baka sumabog kaldero ng bait mo. Ang pressure cooker pag hindi naka release ng steam sa gitna ng kulo, nag-mi-mistulang pipe bomb. Ayaw natin yun. How to do that, you say? My goodness, read a book that will astound you. Distract your senses, because I know this attraction is more sensory in nature. Dance, I say! (Haha, okay figurative yon.) I know, I know, this embarrassing you but my goodness, we are human.
Okay – here come the practical stuff, are you ready…?
5) Delete text exchanges. Re-reading his messages make you read too much into it. A smiling face [ like so 🙂 ] can look a lot like “I wanna jump you” when you’re infatuated. And even a “k” can sound like an agreement to love you forever after 42 readings. So – yes, you heard me, DELETE.
6) This will hurt: Hindi mo siya boyfriend. Sige, pwedeng he flirts back, sure, pero pwedeng wala rin yon. Player rin yung gagong yon, no. Akala mo ikaw rin player pero, mah goodnezz, na-i-in-love ka! (Take it from there, I won’t even spell out things because your dignity can handle this one.) Learn from the French, my friend.
7) Sorry, kailangan ko lang isama ‘to. HINDI SIYA POGI at wrong grammar siya.. So pwede ba, ano pa’ng ginagawa mo diyan.
Shet, I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say to you – you sound so plaintive. All I know is that he isn’t the lead role in this story. It’s you. Okay? Ikaw lead dito, ikaw rin nga ang director, ikaw rin ang in charge sa lighting at sa musical score. Ikaw mag decide.
If all else fails, read #7 over and over again.
I’m just here, just don’t call me at 8am again. Grace period for my alertness is 10am.
PS: Sabi ng Mommy ko pray ka daw. Demonyo lang daw yan. 😛