It’s the 3rd Monday of 2011 and I did my usual attempts at cleaning my desk. I came across my journal from 1998 while still living in San Francisco. I sounded so lonely and ‘in anguish.’ Half of me is terribly embarrassed at how I used such big words to describe my ‘despair’ (roll eyes) about being alone and away from Manila, yet the other half is glad I got to take snapshots of my mind 13 years ago.
Excerpt: 21 May 1998
For some reason the MOMA didn’t wow me as I expected it would, the jazz trio outside did though. (not out in the lobby but out by the street.) I met a British writer named Trent who wrote something called INERTIA, it was interesting to see him talk slowly (and loud, too) I think he thought I didn’t speak English – unless he actually figured out that I’m deaf in one ear – in which case that makes him more interesting. It was a bit tough to pretend I wasn’t being pretentious with him. I think he was, too.
So if I know I’m being pretentious, does that still make me pretentious? Took a cab home because I didn’t feel like taking the bus and didn’t have an idea how expensive cab fares were (aack!) Maybe the MOMA’d be more fun if I had more time to roam it or if I had one of my Manila friends with me. Having no one to trust in an entire city is a shitty state to be in. Damn. Sleeping cold is a shitty thing, too. Heaters are still strange machines to me. I expect, a few more nights on my couch – it will cease to be so strange.
Manila doesn’t need heaters.
-end of excerpt-
Funny because I remember loving the MOMA and constantly re-visiting the museum as often as I could over the course of my stay in SF, then subsequently paid regular homage to the NY MOMA as the years went on. I wonder why I wrote that I felt this way that day when I recall otherwise. Youth is a funny time. I think I was petrified when things were ‘okay’ – I deemed my life boring when things were simply fixed and life was cruising, even *gasp* happy. Happy was not cool back then. How tiring! Anyway –
Today – of course, a decade and some later – I’d give many things to have a ‘boring’ stretch.
James said it best – the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. I go for surgery tomorrow, wish my surgeon luck.
Happy New Year!